In the end
by HiddenPortrait
Summary: angst, major angst and hey more angst! Haru's suicde note.
1. Chapter 1

AN: okie dokie, this is sorta for a challenge but I read the challenge ages ago and forgot who set it so…anyway it's based on "In the End" by Linkin Park but you really don't need to have heard the song. The only thing you need to know to understand it is that Yuki, Kyo and Shigure have all died in a mysterious house fire. Tohru was out. Yeah so please don't be too sad!

Dear Tohru,

How are you? Haven't seen you in a while. You haven't been at school. You should go back. Yuki would want you to, Kyo would just want you to be happy. Sensei, well I guess he would say something like, "The world is being deprived of a beauty! It's wrong! Wrong!" Yeah, he would.

I'm writing this letter with one thing in mind though. To tell you everything I know because someone has to know.

It's been two months, two whole months since it happened. I'm so weak I can't even say what 'It' is. Sorry. It's weird to think I haven't seen you in two months, I haven't seen any of you. Time just moves on, it's so unreal. I tried. You have to believe me when I sat I tried to hold on and live with just memories. We all tried so hard but in the end you left, they left, it was a wasted effort. He won.

After the funeral things changed. We all lost so much in that fire. Kagura and Rin have become very much like myself. We all just follow Akito living, no existing merely to serve Him None of us do anything Akito thinks is unnecessary. I guess we all just realised there is nothing else. Only Akito and our curse but Akito is a greater curse then even that of the Zodiacs, even that of the cat.

Kagura hasn't broken a thing To think her peaceful would be so scary. Ayame doesn't visit his store any more, his assistant runs it. I see him sometimes, visiting the main house. He just stares. He lost his brother and his best friend, how he even wakes up in the morning amazes me. He's not Aya anymore though. Long gone are his bright clothes and brighter smile. In fact the only smile I've seen these months is Akito's. That makes me sick.

Hatori has returned to the man he was after losing Kana. His work is the only thing that matters. He locked his study and never enters. His study is where all of Sensei's books are. Did you know there was a woman in his life? I found out while summoning him for Akito. I heard her shouting. She said she loved him and didn't want him to become so sad again. She said she didn't want Akito to ruin him again. He told her to leave. She did. It was your teacher, Miss Mayu

Hiro and Kisa are too young to interest Akito for long but ever since the fire Hiro has avoided Kisa again. He treats everyone so condescendingly and goes on about how it's all "that females fault". He hates you. I'm sorry, he's just a child and Akito messes with his head. Kisa cries a lot but still talks. Akito told her if she stopped He'd hurt you.

You weren't at the Wake were you? Master Kazuma attacked Akito. He was so angry. He screamed that Akito had murdered his son. He swore revenge. He was predictably stopped. Akito had him committed; claiming losing his foster child had sent him insane. Master Kazuma is not insane. At least he has Ri-chan for company. He had a breakdown after Akito hinted it was his fault, that he had somehow caused the fire, and that he had caused so much grief to the girl who had been so kind. I almost cried when that happened because Akito is using you to get at the Zodiacs. How could He?

Last is Momiji, innocent, pure Momiji. I wish he didn't have to hear everyday that his mother hates him. He stopped playing violin and won't even let us mention his family, even refusing to see his father. He wants so badly to protect Momo and his mum.

If Akito asks you, which he might, tell him, despite the way he always mocked me and controlled me like I was merely property tell Him I wasn't. You see Tohru I'm leaving this house the only way I can. I'm going to end my life. I'm so sorry, I am. If you ever meet the next Ox apologise for me. Tell him or her that I'm sorry I was too weak to keep going, I'm sorry for handing on this curse.

I'm begging you, as a last request, never have anything to do with the Sohma's again. It's just things aren't like they were before. There is no hope. You wouldn't even recognize me anymore. Everyone will think this is over Yuki but it's not. It's over Kyo. When Kyo died he took black Haru with him and I can't live without black Haru. I can't release these feelings trapped inside. I can't go on with it eating away at me. I guess this letter comes back to me. For all I've written there's only one things you should know. I put my faith in you Tohru. I tried so hard and I'd gotten so far but…

My faith is still with you. Good bye I'm going now.

All my love because I can't take it with me.

Hatsuharu Sohma, Ox

Tohru's cousin watched as Tohru read the letter. She watched the tears form in the younger girls eyes.

"Tohru what is it?" she asked annoyed.

Tohri looked at her cousin, "no!" she whispered then took off. She ran and ran. She didn't notice she hadn't put on a jacket against the early Winter or that she was still in her slippers. She just ran Maybe it wasn't too late. Haru couldn't be… she stopped. Black cars were outside the Sohma estate. These unfamiliar and unfamiliar faces getting out were mourning black and sad expressions.

"No.." she whimpered, "Haru…"

Even after the Sohma's had retreated into their inner sanctum for the wake. Tohru stood there in disbelief. Finally she started to walk back. Her aunt found her halfway home

"Tohru! Thank-god! We were so worried! Where were you? What happened?" she asked embracing the girl but Tohru was stiff, her eyes full of tears. She could feel Haru's letter still clutched in her hand, 'I tried so hard and got so far but-" the thought of Haru's words

"Tohru say something!"

"In the end" she wept, "it didn't even matter"

Fin


	2. Chapter 2

AN: okay then…well to me the last one just wasn't finished, I couldn't tell why it just wasn't. So all this time I've been planning a sequel but it just never happened because all these ideas just never worked! And then I was sitting and my computer yesterday chatting with my sister, listening to music and trying to write something else and suddenly here it is! So, what do you think? Peace out!

Dear Tohru,

This must be strange for you, a letter from the dead. I'm really sorry for all the grief I've caused you by the other letter and this one. I'm not dead in case you hadn't realised. I wish I was. I thought things were bad before but compared to now it was a walk in the park. I was going to do it Tohru; I was going to end it all in one swoop. I was sitting in my room, I'd written this letter to my family and Akito. You don't wanna know what it said, just about how much I hate him, how I miss Sensei, Yuki and Kyo and how I hope one day the other Zodiacs will forgive me. I love them; you know that, I adore my family.

So there I was with this note and a Swiss army knife sitting on my bedroom floor when who should waltz in? Some bloody stupid servant of Akitos, apparently I'd been summoned. She looked confused at first, I must have looked so suspicious because she stepped forward and saw enough of the letter on my floor to call for Hatori. You should have seen the shock on his face! I feel a bit guilty now. Then he got angry. He yelled at me, cursed me I think he wanted to hit me but he didn't. My parents were there, I think mum was crying and dad just looked, what's that word, despondent maybe? I dunno, I was spaced out. Here I was ready to die and my death room becomes a three ringed circus. If it wasn't so serious it'd be funny. It wasn't until Akito walked in that I realised how worse things were gonna get.

Akito glared, he was furious, that smouldering, quiet, deadly furious. "You were going to abandon me?" he spat at me. Can you believe it? I was going to abandon him! All of this and all he could think of was himself again. He prattled on for a while, about how selfish I was, how stupid and then how sad, how pitiable. He told me he loved me and was so worried now. He promised that he wouldn't let anything ever happen to me. You should have heard it, it was a punishment, he'd just set down my punishment. He's good at that, good at making people suffer. He knows us, he knows us all so well that he knows how to hurt us the most. I remember my mum crying so hard, she begged. My mother, the woman who gave birth to me and still loves me knelt before Akito and through her tears begged for me. I can't believe I didn't realise that there was someone still there, that I was not alone. As I watched her there my heart broke again. I wanted so badly to let her free of me, to absolve her of her duty and love of me. When Akito pushed her aside I snapped. Can you believe it? Black Haru was in there the whole time. Perhaps he was just grieving as well? I hit Akito. I hit him with my own hand! I was so happy too! Happier then I had been in a long time. I yelled at him, I told him he may have taken away Yuki, Kyo and Sensei, he may have hurt the other Zodiacs but I would not let him lay a hand on my mother. I don't remember anything after that. When I woke up I was in a bed, locked in a room in the Sohma estate. Apparently Hatori had pulled me away. I stayed angry at him for weeks afterwards. He'd come in give me a check up and I'd glare. One day I asked him why he did it. He told me it was for my own good. He didn't want Akito to hurt me or my mother any more. He called me a stupid selfish ignorant child. After that I forgave him. Strange isn't it?

The only people allowed to visit me were Hatori and Akito. Eventually some of the more trustworthy Zodiacs were allowed to come and my parents a couple of times. Hiro first, he's been taking messages between me and Rin. Momiji has been coming a lot when he can. He's the one who snuck in this paper and pen; he's such a brave kid. He wasn't going to until I explained why I needed it. I told him about my letter to you. He loves you so much Tohru, he'd do anything to make you happy. And so I sit here alone in this empty room day after day. Waiting for Akito to end this punishment. I know he will one day, when the next Rat is born. That's all I am right now, a replacement Yuki. Something he can toy with until his true plaything is back. I have to end this letter as Momiji has to leave. Thank you Tohru for being such a good friend, not only to me but to Yuki and Kyo and even sensei. I know they're gone now but you made their lives so much better if only for a little while. I can never thank you enough for giving me the memories I have of them truly happy. The other zodiacs too. I'm sorry too, for being selfish and stupid, the foolish Ox eh? I'm sorry.

Very much alive

Hatsuharu Sohma, Ox (still)

PS. Yuki's mum died of a heart condition the day after I sent that letter.

PPS. Hiro's mum gave birth. It was a beautiful baby girl, cursed with the cat. I cried when I found out. Momiji snuck in a picture just after the birth. You should have seen the smile on Hiro's mums face. Maybe there is such a thing as hope?

Tohru stared at the page, her eyes wide, tears just starting to come to them. She smiled, Haru was alive! Alive! She looked up at her aunt who was carefully eyeing her niece.

"What now?" she asked

"This is the most wonderful letter ever!" she sobbed

"Tohru what is it?"

"There is such a thing as hope!" Tohru beamed, "Mum…she always had hope and even though dad died she was happy! Yuki, Kyo, Shigure…they always had hope for the future, no matter how short! Oh Aunty there's hope! How could I forget?"

Her aunt frowned, "Tohru are you ok?"

"Yes! I'm better then ever!" she wiped away a tear, "Excuse me aunt. I have some very pressing business to attend to." She grabbed a coat slipped on her shoes and left. She walked and walked, all the while her heart singing. She had her hope back, it was small, just a flicker in the midst of a great darkness but it was there. She had always be thankful rather then sad. She had forgotten that in the sea of sadness there was something to be grateful for. She had known Yuki, Kyo and Shigure. She had a home. Those memories could never die, that home was not a house but a place in her heart that they had created together. Fire could not burn it, machines could not knock it down, rage could not destroy it. She had forgotten that while some may leave there was still so many left. Uo, Hana, and the other Zodiacs. She walked past Shigures house; it was just a bank spot now. Determined not to cry she kept walking until she found an over grown vegetable garden. The secret base. In her mind she thought of all the things she needed. Gloves, seeds, the book she had on gardening. But she didn't stop she kept walking and walking until she was outside of a modest dojo. She pressed the bell. A few moments later Kunimitsu answered.

"Eh? Miss Tohru? What are you…?" he stared at her. It was Tohru Honda to be sure but it wasn't the ditzy sweet girl he'd met before. Standing in front of him was a fiercely determined woman. For a moment he was reminded of the gangster he once looked up to when he was on the streets, the red butterfly.

She looked up at him, her gaze unfaltered, "I need to talk to Master Kazuma"

Fin….?


End file.
